I’ll be honest, when I left Gainesville this late afternoon, I was not excited for the drive. The thought of getting back to my lonely 1×1 apartment late at night right before I have a busy day of work the next day wasn’t nearly as unappealing as the fact that I would be finishing the last bit of the drive after sunset. As an already uncomfortable driver, driving in the dark is one of my least favorite things about getting behind the wheel, right next to driving during a torrential downpour (which I also had to do earlier on today).

The whole drive, I couldn’t wait for it to be over. On my way to Gainesville on Saturday afternoon, I was nothing but pumped. I was excited to see my favorite band perform and excited to see all the friends I haven’t interacted with (beyond an Instagram comment) since spring. But on the way home today, all I had to look forward to was my mattress on the floor, my now half-cleared closet and an empty fridge.

I drove to Gainesville for Playground Music Festival, a festival being put on by the indie rock band flipturn and including all of the band’s favorite artists and friends. By the time I arrived to Heartwood Soundstage on Saturday, I had missed most of the day and was only really around and attentive for the last set of the night. flipturn.

If you know me, you know that I’ll pretty much do anything for this band. Not only are they all insanely talented, but their music just hits different. The band members are all just such good and kind people. And they surround themselves with the best and most talented and inspiring individuals, so let’s just say I was pretty dang honored to even be in the room. Heck, I feel lucky enough to any kind of work for them.

I’ve seen the band quite a few times, and every time it’s like the crowd enters a trance. There’s really nothing like it, and the gravitational pull to the music is something else.

It was also the first time they had performed since they released their debut album, Shadowglow last week. I’d heard some songs live when they were still unreleased, but after getting to spend considerable time with the singles and now the album, hearing these new songs live was enthralling. And it seemed that the audience had spent quite a bit of time with them as well because the crowd was almost louder than what was coming from the speakers.

The festival energy was unmatched. Hearing and seeing everyone screaming the lyrics, waving their arms, and dancing their hearts out was an unforgettable moment. Plus in the encore, the band brought up all of their friends and fellow performers from throughout the day to dance it out. You just had to be there. The predicted rain had let up all day, and the second the set finished, I felt the first few raindrops begin to fall before the cooling shower began.

But now, as the outro to my podcast and the sun start to fade away, I do the only logical thing and start playing Shadowglow again to try and relive the moment.

As “The Fall” begins, I start to feel less alone on my mini solo roadtrip. The setting sun creates the most beautiful orange and lavender colors in the sky, and I can only look and admire the view (because I am incapable of sufficiently multitasking while driving to take a worthy picture). As the cohesive (but not at all repetitive) body of work flips from one song to the next, my mind just slowly goes blank and all I can focus on is the music.

The low crackle of my Bluetooth connector competing with rival signals in my old car keeps me company as I deeply feel each and every lyric as if I’m the one experiencing everything depicted in each song.

As the sky gets darker and all I can make out are the silhouettes of trees, the red lights of those around me are the only things illuminating the road ahead. And the songs just keep hitting one after another. Some songs have me nodding my head to the beat and others have my eyes brimming with tears, turning the occasional overhead lights into glistening stars.

There are moments in life where you just feel. You just feel so deeply. And it feels so good. This is one of those moments.

It makes me feel happy to be alive and to be able to experience so many good things. It makes me feel so so grateful. I’m self-aware of my existence in that exact moment. It makes me forget everything else going on in my life. Being alone with the music feels perfect.

Moments like these also make me feel slightly sad. I want to be able to stay in this moment forever, just blissfully feeling. But every journey has its destination. So I might as well enjoy what I have while I’m in it.

In every day life, I often find myself worrying about the future. What comes next? Where will I go? What will I do? Who will I be with? But as my favorite song off of the album steadies me, “Everything will come, and it will pass.” I don’t need to know, I already know that I’ll get through it.

I keep following the dotted lines and taillights, taking the exits as they come as Maps fades in and out. For once, I’m not anxiously waiting to get out of my car. I feel calm, peaceful and I’m just enjoying the drive (except for when this FedEx van almost causes an accident right in front of me).

I pull into my apartment complex as the last note in Orbit fades. I didn’t plan it, but the timing was perfect.

I want to be able to look back and remember how I felt in the car this evening forever, so I figured writing about it was the best first step. If you haven’t listened to Shadowglow yet, I highly recommend that you do, especially at night.

kasual kook xx

Photo by the amazing Amanda Laferriere @ajpgphoto